Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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