East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
