so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
