it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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