Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
