paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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