Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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