I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
