Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Boobs speak an international language.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
