Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
