Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
