don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize