I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
