She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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