I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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