my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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