there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
