Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize