He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
