Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
