Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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