He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
