fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
