Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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