I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
