I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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