I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
