I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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