You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
