i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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