I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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