I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
