So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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