youre lurking in front of me
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Farmville is her only friend.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The beer is more important than you right now.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
