This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
