he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
