seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
