You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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