You smell like stripper and shame
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
