she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
