One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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