Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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