Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
