I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
