My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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