meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
