They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
