Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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