Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Randomize
