Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
