pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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