His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
