girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
