Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
