can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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