My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
