The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
