Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
