It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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