I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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