Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
