went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
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