I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
