and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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