So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
