What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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