The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
