it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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